Ann
When I
first heard the news of the cancer, it seemed to be a very solitary
path, so I painted a pathway with my own footsteps, and hurdles that
had to be faced in my personal life. As more people knew I felt this
enormous hand of friendship come. Then I painted above that, the dove,
because an amazing peace suddenly came over me when I was going to have
surgery, and I felt it was going to be successful. I painted the sun
coming out of the darkness, because I felt there was a future after
all. The surgeon had promised he would do all he could. He hoped I would
make a recovery so I painted the start of another tree and the pathway
coming back, with people on either side, as I wasn't walking that path
to recovery alone. There were people on both sides and I was walking
into sunlight. I saw the walk back to recovery, with tremendous support
from everybody that I made contact with, as hope.
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The hardest thing about the cancer was wondering if I'd be able to carry
on in the job that I loved. I needed to work full time to support my
two children and keep my home together. It was my prime wish to stay
alive long enough to see my son get through school. My father had also
been diagnosed with cancer and I wanted to stay alive to look after
him. I was an only child and my parents had been incredibly happy and
good people, so supportive to me and the children throughout the break
up of my marriage. I was able to care for him to the end and my mother
still lives with me ten years on. I saw my son successfully get through
College and he's now a freelance photojournalist. My daughter married
and I now have a grandchild. I feel I have everything and more, including
friends. I feel very blessed that I'm still here. In a small way I've
been able to help others who are suffering similarly as a living proof
that there is a life after cancer, and here I am almost 14 years on.
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I resumed
my job, I work quite hard, I have my garden and I help with a breast
cancer support group. I am very active and I find this is very encouraging
to people who feel they'll never be the same again after cancer. I think
you learn a lot about human nature: compassion, tolerance, gratitude
- you see life differently. I remember the first spring after my operation
in the New Year. Outside my bedroom window was a huge cherry tree and
I can remember every day watching every shoot and every flower as it
opened. This is amazing, I thought; the leaves and the colours have
never been so vibrant. Of course they probably had but you never really
notice them until your life is nearly taken away from you and then you're
aware of everything. It's really marvellous, and it's strange that you
have to be on the point of losing your life before you actually appreciate
it. It totally changes your attitude, and nothing is ever taken for
granted again. That's how I feel, and I am sure all of us, with the
cancer experience, do. My philosophy is don't look at what you haven't
got, don't look at what you've lost but look at what you still have.
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I wrote
down all the good things about what had happened to me and are still
happening, and all the bad things, and the good, far and away, outweighed
the bad. I went somewhere recently where somebody broke a teacup. It
was a special cup and they went bananas. I just suddenly smiled and
said, 'I know you may not believe me but material things don't mean
one iota. I didn't used to be like this, I used to be so particular
with precious things. I'd say to the children 'Careful!' I was a lifetime
junk shop collector. Now I realise we come into this world with absolutely
nothing and we go the same way. That's what this illness taught me -
material things are totally unimportant. Yes we've got to have chairs,
tables - things like that. I still love beautiful things, but at the
end of the day we just have each other. Friendships are much more important.
I do find it slightly irritating when people go on about nothing and
it's hard not to say 'if only you knew what problems people have' but
one has to bite one's tongue. Yes it does teach you so much about yourself.
I do hide my feelings sometimes, but I don't find it difficult to talk
about my experiences. But there are many people who do find it difficult
and I think the art is excellent because so many people are locked within
themselves, and that prohibits recovery. I think you need to be free.
Art is the freedom of expression that can be the outlet of pent-up emotion.
It also lets some people who didn't know that they could paint realise
that here's a hobby that they can take up. I hope that it will be universally
accepted, with hospitals and cancer groups everywhere, this is a real
aid to recovery.
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